I have decided to go across the state with D this weekend, it's just a matter of driving up there now. We'll see how that goes. I really want to talk to T, but I doubt he'll answer his phone. *sigh*
A little more from the notebook...
5.31.11
At dinner my tomato soup was missing. How can you have grilled cheese without tomato soup? Oh well. I'll survive. I've been through worse.
They did bring crackers for the soup, and I will admit that having my calories right there on the ticket for my meal is really a nice touch. A girl could get used to that. It made me conscious of just how little I eat in a day. No wonder I am at 162 right now. It's the lowest I've been in years and I am sorta proud of myself. Another 40 lbs and I'll be where I'd like to be. Someday the number on my scale will be low enough for someone to love, unconditionally. Hoping for an email from NA when I get home. I don't know if it is good to have, but I sure do appreciate having someone to talk to at times.
Sitting across from Ben at dinner, and I notice that he's quite quiet. He's in his 40s and to look at him you would never believe he is one to have mental problems. Just goes to show you that even the ones who look like they have it all together are the ones who surprise you the most.
This afternoon I met Lynn. She's probably in her 30's, and she has cut up her arms like a fucking Christmas ham. She was working on the island and was air lifted off after her suicide attempt. The cuts are visible and are not very deep. They look more like a cry for help than a valid attempt. There were no stitches, and no bandages. She is convinced she will get out early, however. She is searching for an easy out with anxiety pills and pain meds. She has family, but doesn't want to stay with her sister or grandmother, she would rather be homeless and claim that they are negative, though from what she has told me, they are nothing but positive influences against drinking and drugs and self harm. I fail to hear any positives come from her about her situation.
Lynn's arms are cut poorly on her right arm, across the road, but on her left arm she has cut down the street. She also have marks on her neck, probably ligature marks from trying to hang herself. I can't imagine the scrapes on her arms being enough to warrant a suicide attempt, and if she were actually going to do it, it would be with the neck. She will not have a job when she gets out of the hospital, her job has told her not to return because she needs to focus on getting herself better.
Daphne was discharged this evening, prior to dinner. We exchanged phone numbers, so at some point I will send her a text message to see how she is doing.
Mikel will be discharged in the morning. I feel for him as he doesn't have the options to go home to a greatly supportive environment. He comes from a family of alcoholics, and his friends are of the age where the most important thing is drinking and having a good time. It's sad that society has such a sway on how we view things.
Al Qaeda asked me when I am leaving and I told him tonight. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.
I am so excited to get out of here.
Al Qaeda is now telling us about his tattoo from the "gang" he was in. He claims he was a "Crip" and that he is shocked that there are no gangs here in our Town. Of course not. It's our Town, after all. His haircut is bizarre, like a mangey buzz cut. In reply to Gania's comment of "It's wonderful to be free" he shouted back "It's wonderful to smoke crack".
A new patient is moved into the room across the hall from me. Her name will be Wendy and I probably wont' meet her. Her hair is matted to her head, and she appears to be in her 40s. I wish her the best on the unit.
Ben and I will be in partial hospitalization together. It will be nice to see a familiar face. He describes it as "life altering". I certainly hope so.
As we were sitting in the TV lounge, post-dinner, waiting for a group therapy session that never happened, and really just buying time until visiting hours began, E showed up. We were sitting in the lounge, and in walks Jenna. She points at every single one of us in the room, starting with me, then E, then Doc, Gania, Al Qaeda and Ben, and says "You're not my friend" to each and every one of us. She then returns to her room and gets a notebook and pen and writes down all of our names. She worries me.
Debbie, a nurse, comes into the room to have me sign my discharge papers and ask me if I have received my items back from lockup. I told her no, but that I had a few things in my room. E and I walked to my room to gather my things as she went to go get my things from lockup. I'm going home. She gives me back my hoodie and my wallet, I sign a few things and I'm free to leave. As she is unlocking the door and wishing me well, Jenna walks up to me and says "Goodbye and good riddance." The ignorance of some people amazes me. Though E and I had a good laugh on the walk down to his vehicle. I'm glad to be going home.
