No cheese at the end of this maze

I've been feeling like it would be OK to not exist any longer. Not that I have any plans to take care of that, because I don't have the means or motivation to do as such. Primarily because my means would be my car, and since P bought that car for me... I would feel really guilty if I ruined it.

But I did what I am "supposed" to do, and reached out to some others for help. The first step is getting someone to answer the phone. Most of them don't, because most of them don't want to deal with it. T doesn't even text me back any more, and that sucks, because T knows how I feel. BestFriend wasn't an option, of course, Bestfriend defriended me last week. I called M, K, T, M again... M finally answered the phone. Yes, I wanted to talk about how I was feeling, but instead of being able to get that out? I ended up listening to M talk about M's relationship problems. I was unable to get a word in edgewise about things that I wanted to talk about.

This happens to me a lot in my relationships. I take on a counselor role, where I listen, listen, listen, give advice, listen some more, catch when they fall, wipe away tears, and then when I need the help? They aren't there. I honestly shouldn't be surprised any more.

I drove two hours in radio silence today. I can't even listen to the radio, because every song reminds me of T. I can't deal with that right now, and, I don't know that I'll be able to deal with that tomorrow, either.

I didn't call E. I feel like I've already relied on E too much.
I texted K to ask K to call me after work... I never heard back from K.

I can't seem to make any of these things work.