OK, OK...

So it's been 5 days since I posted. Big deal. I've kinda been dealing with a lot of stuff.

• I went back to my fulltime job, even though I have pisspoor hours this pay period. 
• I got asked out by B, who I haven't seen since high school. 
• I bought new lip gloss. 
• I did laundry. 
• I bought a swimsuit. 
• I celebrated my friend's birthday, even though it involved me having to call a manager over. 
• I had a panic attack. A severe one. 

I found, in my box-o-pills, my old script for anti-anxiety meds. When I had the panic attack the other day, I took some. Still works, despite being a month expired. 

T and I were supposed to talk on Thursday, but again T blew me off. Then today, got all pissy when I called T out on it. I'm not going to apologize for calling it as I see it. And I can see right through it. 

B and I have been texting pretty much non-stop since the other night when we decided that B was going to buy me a beer. So, we'll see what happens. 

Tomorrow, I'll drive up to D's place, go to see D's spouse's band play, and on Sunday, I'll go out with B. 

Tonight, however, is all about me. I'm giving myself a pedi, a facial, and the longest, hottest shower I can muster... with some new bodywash. Night blooming jasmine, anyone?

No cheese at the end of this maze

I've been feeling like it would be OK to not exist any longer. Not that I have any plans to take care of that, because I don't have the means or motivation to do as such. Primarily because my means would be my car, and since P bought that car for me... I would feel really guilty if I ruined it.

But I did what I am "supposed" to do, and reached out to some others for help. The first step is getting someone to answer the phone. Most of them don't, because most of them don't want to deal with it. T doesn't even text me back any more, and that sucks, because T knows how I feel. BestFriend wasn't an option, of course, Bestfriend defriended me last week. I called M, K, T, M again... M finally answered the phone. Yes, I wanted to talk about how I was feeling, but instead of being able to get that out? I ended up listening to M talk about M's relationship problems. I was unable to get a word in edgewise about things that I wanted to talk about.

This happens to me a lot in my relationships. I take on a counselor role, where I listen, listen, listen, give advice, listen some more, catch when they fall, wipe away tears, and then when I need the help? They aren't there. I honestly shouldn't be surprised any more.

I drove two hours in radio silence today. I can't even listen to the radio, because every song reminds me of T. I can't deal with that right now, and, I don't know that I'll be able to deal with that tomorrow, either.

I didn't call E. I feel like I've already relied on E too much.
I texted K to ask K to call me after work... I never heard back from K.

I can't seem to make any of these things work.

Weekend

Spent the weekend with D and D's family, traveled 8 hours away to bury D's relative. Spent time with D's kids, and panicked... a lot.

I've been noticing that the only time I am not panicked, is in my bed, but even now, that's not true. I went to bed at 6:30 this evening, and now, at 2:33am, I'm up, of course. I'm feeling that old familiar feeling of pressure on my chest, throat tightening to the point of feeling totally choked by it.

6 hours from now, I'll be sitting at my first therapist appointment of the day. I'll be analyzed, scrutinized, quite possibly criticized for things that I have done, things that I do, things that I feel and the way that I react to outside forces.

4 hours after that, I'll be at my doctor appointment, and 2 hours after that, at my chiropractic appointment. It's going to be a long day for me.

Physical Symptoms

Laying in bed in a different time zone. My heart is racing, knees are weak, legs are shaking and I can't catch my breath. My brain is going in a million directions.

Looks like a sleepless night in Central Time.

On the Road

Went on the weekend trip with D to take care of D's family business. I'd like to say that I needed this weekend away, but I don't know that this is such a great idea. I've been panicked from the word go.

Seems I can't leave the house without feeling like a house has collapsed on me and I have a boa constrictor wrapped around my neck. The entire 7 hour drive, I've had the panicked anxiety that is nearly crippling at times.
I'm trying to keep myself composed when I'm around D's kids, but it's getting increasingly hard. I'm glad I was able to afford my own room for one night, and use points for the second night, because I don't think I could sleep in the same room without having the overwhelmed feeling that I've been having. Finally using something I've been accumulating... go team.

D's family is here, and they are aware of what is going on with me over the last week. My face has been smooshed and threats of being smacked around if I ever try anything like that again have been hurled as tears welled up in my eyes. I kept it down as much as I could, but it's been a real struggle to deal with it.

I don't know how much more overwhelming panic I can handle. I really don't.

Finally, some good news

Heard back from Partial Hospitalization program at Local Hospital. They had me call financial, and after I got off the phone with them, I was told to call back on Monday to set me up for Tuesday morning. This is great. Shortly afterwards, I got a call from the community mental health program, and they did an over the phone intake for me, and I will go in to see them on Monday morning at 8:45am.

I have decided to go across the state with D this weekend, it's just a matter of driving up there now. We'll see how that goes. I really want to talk to T, but I doubt he'll answer his phone. *sigh*

A little more from the notebook...

5.31.11

At dinner my tomato soup was missing. How can you have grilled cheese without tomato soup? Oh well. I'll survive. I've been through worse. 

They did bring crackers for the soup, and I will admit that having my calories right there on the ticket for my meal is really a nice touch. A girl could get used to that. It made me conscious of just how little I eat in a day. No wonder I am at 162 right now. It's the lowest I've been in years and I am sorta proud of myself. Another 40 lbs and I'll be where I'd like to be. Someday the number on my scale will be low enough for someone to love, unconditionally. Hoping for an email from NA when I get home. I don't know if it is good to have, but I sure do appreciate having someone to talk to at times. 

Sitting across from Ben at dinner, and I notice that he's quite quiet. He's in his 40s and to look at him you would never believe he is one to have mental problems. Just goes to show you that even the ones who look like they have it all together are the ones who surprise you the most.

This afternoon I met Lynn. She's probably in her 30's, and she has cut up her arms like a fucking Christmas ham. She was working on the island and was air lifted off after her suicide attempt. The cuts are visible and are not very deep. They look more like a cry for help than a valid attempt. There were no stitches, and no bandages. She is convinced she will get out early, however. She is searching for an easy out with anxiety pills and pain meds. She has family, but doesn't want to stay with her sister or grandmother, she would rather be homeless and claim that they are negative, though from what she has told me, they are nothing but positive influences against drinking and drugs and self harm. I fail to hear any positives come from her about her situation.

Lynn's arms are cut poorly on her right arm, across the road, but on her left arm she has cut down the street. She also have marks on her neck, probably ligature marks from trying to hang herself. I can't imagine the scrapes on her arms being enough to warrant a suicide attempt, and if she were actually going to do it, it would be with the neck. She will not have a job when she gets out of the hospital, her job has told her not to return because she needs to focus on getting herself better. 

Daphne was discharged this evening, prior to dinner. We exchanged phone numbers, so at some point I will send her a text message to see how she is doing.

Mikel will be discharged in the morning. I feel for him as he doesn't have the options to go home to a greatly supportive environment. He comes from a family of alcoholics, and his friends are of the age where the most important thing is drinking and having a good time. It's sad that society has such a sway on how we view things. 

Al Qaeda asked me when I am leaving and I told him tonight. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.

I am so excited to get out of here.  

 Al Qaeda is now telling us about his tattoo from the "gang" he was in. He claims he was a "Crip" and that he is shocked that there are no gangs here in our Town. Of course not. It's our Town, after all. His haircut is bizarre, like a mangey buzz cut. In reply to Gania's comment of "It's wonderful to be free" he shouted back "It's wonderful to smoke crack". 

A new patient is moved into the room across the hall from me. Her name will be Wendy and I probably wont' meet her. Her hair is matted to her head, and she appears to be in her 40s. I wish her the best on the unit.

Ben and I will be in partial hospitalization together. It will be nice to see a familiar face. He describes it as "life altering". I certainly hope so.

As we were sitting in the TV lounge, post-dinner, waiting for a group therapy session that never happened, and really just buying time until visiting hours began, E showed up. We were sitting in the lounge, and in walks Jenna. She points at every single one of us in the room, starting with me, then E, then Doc, Gania, Al Qaeda and Ben, and says "You're not my friend" to each and every one of us. She then returns to her room and gets a notebook and pen and writes down all of our names. She worries me. 

Debbie, a nurse, comes into the room to have me sign my discharge papers and ask me if I have received my items back from lockup. I told her no, but that I had a few things in my room. E and I walked to my room to gather my things as she went to go get my things from lockup. I'm going home. She gives me back my hoodie and my wallet, I sign a few things and I'm free to leave. As she is unlocking the door and wishing me well, Jenna walks up to me and says "Goodbye and good riddance." The ignorance of some people amazes me. Though E and I had a good laugh on the walk down to his vehicle. I'm glad to be going home.  

Update (And a little more notebook)

I just got off the phone with partial hospitalization at Local Hospital. I can start on Tuesday, and so that's good.

A little more from the notebook...

Jenna just came into the TV room where Mikel and I were sitting. My book being read. She asked what we were doing and Mikel told her about leaving tomorrow. She went into a diatribe about how she can't live with guys because they are always sitting there and reading her mind. Then she went on to say she could read my mind, and Mikel's, just as we could read hers. Girl is nuts. And again, she called me "peanut". 

Great news came about 4:45pm. I am going to go home tonight. My foray into the world of darkness and psychiatric disorders will come to a close tonight... less than 24 hours after I slipped into what is my deepest moment of dispair. I think it's some kind of record to get out of here in that short of time. Just a little break to get myself together. Hopefully T will be acailable to talk to me tonight. I want him to know about the panic that sent me into this spiral that landed me in this place. 

I also hope to talk to K tonight. Of all the guys I know, I still feel a strong connection to him. Part of me is hopeful that he gets a job at the local Casino because I would love to see him more. Doesn't hurt that he's super hot, and tons of fun to hang out with. I miss that guy.

Mostly looking forward to being home tonight, being able to close my door and not have it opened every 15 minutes to have someone watch me sleep. That was creepy and unnerving. With that, I hope to close the door on the darkness of the last few days.  

 It's almost dinner time, and one step closer to going home. Tonight I have ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. I'm actually looking forward to it. For hospital food, it's actually really good. I called E to come at visitation hours to pick me up. He could come sooner, but I really want to see what happens with the remainder of the group sessions that I am scheduled for. A 45 minute "wrap up" is supposed to happen, but doesn't, so it seems almost fruitless to have stayed. Could it be that I am actually enjoying the chaos that surrounds me right now? 

As we were sitting and talking in the TV room, Al Qaeda just shouted out "Alcohol makes you feel so much better though!" This had nothing to do with the conversation that was taking place in that room, and I fail to see how he has any chance of being released any time soon. 

On the board is a quote "THE PAST IS A TOOL FOR THE NOW WHICH DETERMINES THE PRESENT WHICH DETERMINES THE FUTURE"

Hope my few readers are having a good day, I'm watching some news stories unfold and trying to determine if I want to go across the state with D and her family for the weekend. It's a 7 hour drive, so hopefully... hopefully... it would clear my mind.